Clash of the Two Teams
by CandyassGoth
Summary: What happens when Twilight meets Harry Potter in the Malfoy Manner? HILARITY AND INSANITY The two casts meet for a random and fun-filled confrontation!


Bear in mind, I do not claim to know every detail about the shows and if I make a mistake don't obsess over it, just go with the flow and enjoy the ride.

_**WARNINGS**_**:** SUGGETSIVE AND HOMOSEXUAL THEMES, SOME LANGUAGE, CRUDE HUMOUR, DEBATVE TOPICS, OBSCURE TIME ZONES- IT'S AN AU CRACK FIC PPL.

I seriously do not own anything, except my thoughts of these shows which I am simply sharing with you!

**Clash of the Two Teams**

"This is _utterly_ ludicrous, Wormtail." the Dark Lord rasped as he stared straight into the livingroom area of the Malfoy Manor. A minute ago he had Wormtail bustling into his private office quarters like unbalanced crab, stuttering pathetic words and babbles that didn't even make sense in Gibberish. The only things he did understand was his servant's fearful expression and his trembling points towards the corridor he had rushed from. Deciding to see what was happening, he shoved the stout rat-like man out of the way and strode swiftly though the marble and stone corridors of the Malfoy Manor. The noise echoing from the main livingroom quickly informed him of his destination as the entire Mansion had never been so rowdy before; except when he or Bellatrix were torturing someone.

What he found in the livingroom was utterly shocking; it was full of strange people, as well as all his enemies! What the hell?!

"WHAT IS THIS?" He demanded in a sudden fit of rage and anxiety, whipping out his wand as he aimed it to the crowd of people, recognizing many such as the Weasleys, surprisingly Potter, and a bunch of other witches and wizards. Who he _couldn't_ identify were the bunch of sparkling people who he supposed were muggles, and a herd of half-naked Native Americans.

"Wormtail! Who let them in?!"

Said servant was lost for words; he didn't know the answer himself. He stuttered as his watery eyes bulged and darted around frantically, and when he could find no answer or excuse, he dropped to the marbled floor and grabbed the hem of Voldemort's black robe and began sobbing into it.

"Ew…" Ron cringed as Wormtail defiled Voldemort's robe with an onslaught of snot and tears.

Voldemort grabbed his robe and roughly tugged it away from the pathetic man who fell further and grovelled. He made a noise of disgust at the man but quickly returned his attention to the crowd gathered who were all staring at him. He raised his wand higher, finding Potter and aiming it at him.

"What is this, _Potter_? Is this your army, come to defeat me? The Order? Dumbledore's Army? Answer me!"

Harry glowered at him for a second before growling, "I would if you would kindly shut your gob!"

Voldemort blanched.

"…M-milord?"

Recovering from the shock, Voldemort swirled around to see Lucius and his son Draco approaching, tentatively and unsurely as they noted all the people in their house. Voldemort's upper lip twitched and he gestured to the congregation, still aiming his wand at them, "Lucius, can you explain what is happening?"

Lucius stared flabbergasted at the group, then looked down at Wormtail, then back to his master, and slowly, very slowly shook his head, "…I have no knowledge of this gathering, Milord."

"Could you calm down? We're not here to fight." Harry interjected, Voldemort turning slowly to stare at him in absolute confusion. "We have a common enemy today, Voldy."

"VOLDY?!"

"Yes," Hermione added bravely and stepped forward next to Harry, Voldy-Voldemort sneering lightly, "It seems these…" she trailed off and glanced at the sparklers and nudists, "…_people_…_seem_ to be in competition with us."

The Dark Lord stared at Miss Granger like she was a blank wall, then curtly directed his attention to the strangers. "…_Meaning_?"

"She's tryna say that we gotta ban together to beat 'em!" Fred explaining as he jerked a finger towards the sparklers, "They think they are better than us, even YOU!"

Voldemort's eyes flashed, Harry grinning off to the side as Fred hit a nerve in the Dark Lord, and watched as Voldemort slowly stepped closer to the strangers while his own servants and Death Eaters shadowed his steps to protect him. Though why he would need protecting was beyond everyone…maybe if a breeze blew passed and lifted his robe the Death Eats had to ban together to hide his smooth pale legs…

The group of sparkling and naked people watched cautiously as the tall, weird snake-looking man-thing approached them. They were unsure of what the stick being pointed at them was for, but the man looked very confident with it.

"…I shall ask this once, and if you do not answer truthfully I will have you thrown in the dungeons and give Bella full reign to torture you however she sees fit."

A few Death Eaters grinned and cackled lowly at the mention of their insane sister's name, her torturing methods infamous, and well-feared. The Light wizards all held back cringes and grimaces at the mention of said witch, but to the strangers in the room, they were completely puzzled.

"Who?" Jacob Black asked as he looked around at his pack brothers, who were subconsciously flexing their pectoral muscles.

"…Me?" Bella whispered out unsurely as she clung like a baby in Edward's stone arms. A few people scoffed and shook their heads in denial, but looked back to Voldemort who was looking confused again.

"…What?" he blurted out uncharacteristically as his wand lowered slightly.

"I-I don't want to t-t-torture anyone…"

"Yeah, you've torture me enough to last a life time," Jacob muttered.

Voldemort gawked at the group like he was seeing hallucinations, then looked over his shoulder at Lucius, "…_Well_? What are you waiting for? Make some sense out of this!"

"Oh, don't be so angry," Aro chided as he wagged a finger, "Frowning like that will give you age lines, you know!"

Everyone stared dumbfounded at Aro, sneaking peeks at an even more dumbfounded Voldemort. Draco gaped and looked to his left where a random Death Eater stood, "…Who is that guy?"

Suddenly a tall figure came striding into the room, his black cloak billowing out behind him as his steps slowed with each sight he took in, his lined face screwing up as he let out a noise of indignation. Voldemort however was ecstatic to see his most loyal follower, and quickly approached Snape, whose crooked (yet handsome) nose was flaring at the sight of the company in the room.

"Severus, please tell me you know what is happening?"

Snape bowed lightly to the Dark Lord, the Light wizards all rolling their eyes, and turned to glance with distaste at the strangers, "My lord…I had hoped the rumours were false. Though as per usual…to my luck…they are astoundingly true." He grumbled as he eyed at Cullens. He saw his master was on the verge of busting a vein so he quickly continued. "It came to my knowledge that we were to be hoarded by imbecilic ingrates and Potter's army of dimwits in a discussion of-pardon my commonness…of 'Who is cooler'. I had hoped the tip off was a mere jest. I see now I was sorely mistaken…"

"You think?" Lucius shot back as he stared at the dirty footprints that decorated his livingroom, "Look at my floors!"

Snape stared at Lucius blankly, then raised a hand to his chest with a mocking expression, "…Allow me to express my _deepest_ sympathies… _Oh no_…"

"Oh, bugger off!"

"Enough!" Voldemort cut in making everyone jump. He turned back to the sparklers and stepped up to them, aiming his wand at Aro. "Who are you?"

Aro stared at the wand with caution, his body guards waiting for any sign of _real_ danger, then he looked up into Voldemort's face, and gazed into his red, narrow slits he had for eyes. It was silent as the two locked gazes, Voldemort shifting as he felt as if his soul was being penetrated.

Suddenly Aro let out a sultry gasp and looked down at the wand in slight enticement, "Oooh! I didn't know you could use this stick for _that_ too!"

"For what, Master?" Jane inquired as he stared at Voldemort who was staring bug-eyed (as wide as his eyes could go) at Aro. Aro let out a small, naughty giggle and reached out to touch the tip of the wand, Voldemort recoiling slightly. Aro had learnt how to read people's minds from a short distance, using Jane's painful gift as an incentive to push the boundaries of his own gift to achieve it.

Edward seemed to gag slightly as he was given vivid mental images from Aro, wincing as Bella attempted to shield his mind by smothering his head in her boobs.

"Ooh, Mr. Voldemint, you don't strike me as the sexual person…but you seem to have some very naughty thoughts in that smooth head of yours!"

A few people burst into laughter behind their hands, the Weasleys and company more than any, while the Death Eaters shrank back slightly as Voldemort glowered dangerously and gripped his wand tighter.

Aro gasped again and flapped a hand, "Don't hold it so hard! You might just shoot, it happens accidentally sometimes!"

Edward successfully dry heaved at Aro's mental images while everyone else caught on and whined their discomfort. Jacob and his pack held their queasy stomachs as they glared at Aro, "Can you shut up now! You're giving us images!"

"I agree," Draco cringed, then quickly flinched and ducked behind his father as Emmet sent him a wink.

"I demand to know what is happening! Or I will disembowel the lot of you!" Voldemort roared as he swung his wand around, the Death Eaters and the Light wizards all ducking, knowing full well that Voldemort was NOT joking.

"As the leader, I vote Carlisle!" Edward announced, feeling unnerved by the noseless man pointing a stick, and proceeded to shove his foster father, Carlisle, into the space between the groups. Carlisle stumbled lightly and threw Edward a disapproving glance for his childishness, then turned to face Voldemort as he straightened his clothes.

"Good day, I am Carlisle, head of the Cullen house."

Voldemort stared at Carlisle blankly, his wand still raised. Carlisle shifted but kept his fake plastered smile on his face, and eventually he extended a hand, "…You must be Mr. Volde…?"

It was silent as everyone watched in awe, their eyes wide as they watched for a reaction, Harry and the gang on the verge of laughter as they waited patiently. Voldemort grit his teeth painfully slowly, looking down at the pale hand that seemed to sparkle even more. His own hand twitched, and slowly, after gaining some form of control, he carefully responded-

"GET THAT REVOLTING APPENDAGE AWAY FROM ME!"

Carlisle had never jumped so high before, and bolted from his spot as quick as he could, diving into the Volturi's huddle while Jacob's pack and Harry's gang laughed themselves sick. Bella whimpered clung onto Edward as if a whirlwind was flying past and would suck her up.

"Severus…" Voldemort rasped out as civilly as he could, bringing his wand to his body, "…what is happening…?"

Before Snape could step forward and answer he was interrupted by Aro who decided to skip forward, his body guards trailing after him automatically, and reluctantly. The Death Eaters were about to step forward as well but Voldemort held up a hand to stop them; these _people_ were no threat, he was Lord Voldemort after all!

Aro seemed a little too happy as he pranced forward, Jane right by his side looking apprehensive. Once they were a few feet from the fuming Voldemort, Aro clapped his hands together and cocked his head, smiling gaily, "Ah, my friends! So good to see you!"

"Oh, boy…" Jacob rolled his eyes at the word 'friends', and his usual casual tone. Jane and a few loyal followers hissed at him, but he simply grinned back.

"I have been patiently awaiting this meeting-! I hear you are _almost_ as good a villain as I am!"

Voldemort's eyebrow lines shot to where his hair line would be if he had any hair, and he looked at Snape, then to Lucius who looked just as astounded. Aro quickly carried on as if oblivious. "No doubt you have heard of us? From Twilight? Yes, it is us! The one- the _ones_ and only! I'm sure you'll be wanting Edward's autograph but I can get you a signed pair of his boxers if you would prefer…?" Aro winked suggestively, his whole face scrunching up on the side as he expressed his thoughts.

Had they been alone Voldemort would have gaped and blabbered out an embarrassing '_What_?', but instead he kept his cool composure, somehow, and huffed, sticking his chest out. "How dare you speak to me in such a way! I am Lord Voldemort!"

Aro stared at him, then pouted as he glanced moderately at their clothes, "…Is this a new religion or something? Are you their pope-?"

"This is _Lord Voldemort_!" Lucius cried out as he tried to prevent Voldemort from busting a vein, "The most feared wizard to ever be!"

Aro 'oo'ed zealously, like a girl with a box of chocolates, and drummed his fingers together, "Really? If so, I'm sure we could find a rank for you in the Volturi!"

"WHAT!"

"Our Master would NEVER accept such a degrading proposal!" Lucius snapped as he looked appalled, and a tad fearful as he glanced at Voldemort who was gripping his wand so hard he feared he'd snap it, "Lord Voldemort answers to no one! _You_ should bow to **him**!"

Jane hissed her anger as Voldemort smirked, but Aro simply pouted, "…I was only being friendly."

"Lord Voldemort doesn't need friends!"

"Are you sure? He looks lonely-"

"KILL HIM! KILL HIM!" Voldemort demanded as his control snapped, stamping his feet in rage as he waved his wand around wildly, everyone ducking again.

"Whoa! Whoa! I mean you no harm!" Aro chided as he pressed his palms together, wisely retreating a few steps, "I merely want to be your friend!"

"He doesn't do friends," Harry commented across the room, everyone's attention sneaking his way, "He is incapable of any _positive_ interactions."

"So he can't…love?" Aro whispered in astonishment before Voldemort could retort. Harry and a few others nodded in false sympathy. Aro 'aw'ed and placed his hands over his heart as he turned to Voldemort, "Sounds like someone needs a hug!"

"Oh, don't get him started on those…" a random Death Eater mumbled as Wormtail verbally whined and slunk behind Lucius who shoved him away.

"You don't want _his _hugs," Fred added as he and George shared an identical expression of apprehension, "…they burn."

"Literally," Bellatrix announced as she suddenly waltzed into the room, looking as beautiful and as insane as ever. She stopped by Voldemort and bowed slightly, sending him a sultry look that one would interpret as lust, but those close to her know she was looking for the go-ahead to torture someone. Voldemort nodded back to her, and she sent a grin around the room at being a favoured Death Eater. "…I could sense you were upset, my Lord. Tell me who to _obliterate_ and I shall do it for you…as _rough_ and **painfully **as you want…"

Many people looked at each other, a few wondering if there was a double meaning while others simply took her words for what they were.

Voldemort smiled evilly in sadistic pleasure, but before he could speak, Edward butted in.

"**No one** will harm my Bella!"

Hermione, along with almost the whole room, rolled her eyes and shifted her weight while folding her arms, "…Who would want to hurt her? That will be like attacking a pigmypuff- in other words…a complete waste of time."

"What's that suppose to mean?" Alice demanded, sticking up for her sister-in-law.

"She means it would be like attacking a hamster." Fred smirked.

"Or the mentally unstable…a shameful accomplishment to hurt something that can't fight back." George added wittily.

Bella and her clan's mouths dropped open in shock while everyone else erupted in sniggers. Bella fumed and bit her bottom lip, throwing her arms around Edward's neck with a smug expression. "You're all just jealous that I have Eddy-kins and you don't. HMFF!"

She received countless looks of disbelief, but she had eyes only for Edward, batting her eye-lashes at him in an attempt to be seductive.

Jacob pouted and turned away in a huff, only to spot a picture of said vampire on a Asian girl's shirt. He pointed gingerly to the witch. "…You're team Edward?"

The witch frowned at him, then glanced at her shirt and chuckled, "This? No, no. This is Cedric. My dead ex."

"Your _what_?" Jacob blurted out.

"My _ex boyfriend_," she emphasized with a squeeze to the face printed on her shirt, which looked almost like Edward. "He was the bravest Hufflepuff I knew!"

"A Hufflepuff as a Tri-Wizard champion…how disgraceful." Snape muttered sourly, earning glares from the Light wizards and snickers from the Dark wizards.

"…As I was saying, he died in the Tri-Wizard Tournament." Cho Chang sighed.

"Yeah, now he just sparkles," Fred cackled as he gestured to Edward, pounding fists with his twin. The room erupted in laughter, Snape smirking microscopically while Bellatrix cackled like an insane hyena making a few people inch away.

Voldemort was beyond confused now, so he stared blankly, looking around as the idiots quarrelled among themselves.

Lucius, being one who the Dark Lord often depended on, felt unnerved and fearful of his master's confusion; he'd get the punishment for this later. He loathed that Snape never got any punishment…_special, trustworthy, perfect Snapey_… Lucius grit his teeth at glared briefly at Snape, then stepped forward bravely to address the room.

"This is your last chance, either bow and beg for mercy from the Dark Lord for this _disgusting_ intrusion or be subjected to torture and death!"

Everyone stood quietly, unsure of what to do, until a small gasp was heard from the Wolves clan. Little adorable Seth was grinning ear-to-ear as he stood on his toes to peek over Sam's shoulder as he stared in amazement at Lucius. "I CAN'T believe it! It's Lady Gaga! Oh my gosh!"

The laughter to pour into the room was louder than a herd of stampeding elephants, but it didn't hide the blush that crept on the elder Malfoy's face. Draco gaped behind him, before his face clenched in utter amusement and he swirled around to double over slightly and laugh secretly, having thought the exact same thing for many years now.

Voldemort, having never heard of this 'Lady Gaga' stared blankly once more as everyone cackled. Aro seemed especially zealous and frantically pointed the tip of his finger at Lucius, "Yes! Yes! I thought you looked like someone! And I must say you chose the right style, it compliments you wonderfully!"

Seth pouted and poked Jacob, "Can you get me an autograph?"

Lucius finally made a noise of complete degradation and clenched his fists until the skin strained, steamed forcing its way out of his ears to waft around his red face. "I am NOT Lady Gaga! How **dare** you!"

"You're not?" Seth frowned with extra scrutiny.

Aro laughed happily and shook his head at the little shape-shifter, "No, no, little puppy. He only looks like her. I think he has mimicked her look well though!"

"I HAVE NOT MIMICKED-!"

"It's nothing to be ashamed of!" Aro insisted, then pointed to Snape, "Like your friend there! I think he pulled off a mature yet classy Marilyn Manson look!"

The 'vampires' and the wolf-shifters burst into laughter, a few competent wizards snickering. Snape knew who Manson was, but he was too apathetic to give a damn; it was quite incorrect anyway. He shrugged when Lucius demanded retaliation from him, and held an expression that said 'I have no time to argue with fools like you'.

"I really thought it was her…" Seth pouted cutely, Jacob ruffling his hair.

Suddenly a deep grumble was heard, sending Wormtail underneath Lucius' robe, earning a kick, followed by a loud suggestive hum. A few places from Snape stood the alpha werewolf Greyback, grinding his yellow teeth together with a lustful look in his eyes as he eyed Seth.

"Now that is a fine piece of meat…I wouldn't mind having _him_ in MY clan…I need a new submissive…"

Extreme retaliation was provoked as Seth's clan banded together fiercely, snarling and barking death threats to the dishevelled wizard-werewolf. Sam was especially angry, standing in front of the youngling and flexed his muscles to warn off Greyback. "TOUCH HIM AND YOU DIE!"

"BACK OFF!"

"TRY IT AND FIND OUT, YOU DOG-!"

"YEAH! LEAVE MY SETHY ALONE!"

Rosalie, along with a few others looked up at Emmet in confusion. "…_Your_ Seth?"

Emmet shut his mouth with an indifferent cough and looked away. Draco pulled his lips and wondered if the large man had a thing for little boys. Which could be possible as Greyback, Voldemort and a few other repulsive wizards he knew did too- he was extremely grateful his Malfoy and Black blood-line made him untouchable, and having Bellatrix as an aunty was reassuring.

Remus Lupin sulked off to the side, Siruis patting his back comfortingly. For Remus it was enough to be infected with lycanthropy, but to have Greyback, the bastard who infected him, not even give him a second glance hurt his feelings, he felt he deserved some form of apology- or something like that…

Greyback cackled and licked his chapped lips purposely, urging Seth forward with a thick dirty finger. Voldemort frowned at the man's lewdness, but said nothing.

Jacob grit his teeth as they pushed Seth to the back where he was hidden from sight, "Don't you even look at him!"

Edward scoffed at Jacob. "_You're_ one to talk. You perv over little girls!"

Jacob gasped in offence. "I do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do not-!"

"DO TOO!"

"You're just jealous I don't want YOU!"

"WHAT?"

"Yeah, I know you want this!" Jacob gestured passionately to his sculptured body as Edward fought hard to kept the guilty smirk off of his face, "And for the record Nessie isn't here!"

"Yes, where is she? What time zone are we even in?" Emse asked. Carlisle had no answer, neither did Aro so everyone looked to Voldemort who stared blankly, having given up the quest for sense.

"Nessie?" Harry asked.

"It's the nickname for Renemsee," Hermione answered.

"…How the bloody hell do _you_ know?" Ron quipped with a fold of his arms like a scolding father.

Hermione flushed and looked the opposite way. "…I read the books-"

"WHAT?"

"I had to!" she insisted with a glare to her love interest, "The more you know about your enemy the better!"

"True, 'Mione." Harry sided with her, "What did the books reveal?"

Hermione opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out. She 'um'ed and searched her mind, blinking in concentration. Everyone leaned in for an answer.

"Well…they mention…Edward's…'_beauty_'."

"…"

"…"

"…?"

"…His what?" Harry deadpanned. Hermione shrugged helplessly, "If stealing his hair-gel and his glitter lotion is a secret weapon then that is the best the books revealed!"

While Edward burned in embarrassment everyone enjoyed another round of laughter. Bella let out a huff in disbelief and clung tighter to Edward. "Don't listen to her Eddy-kins, she is just chagrined that she can't smell your breath and hair. I love that you don't wash your hair…"

"Chagrined?" Jacob questioned.

"Doesn't wash his _hair_?" Draco blurted out in disgust.

"Who the bloody hell would want _him_?" Ron snorted, "He looks like a twisted form of Wolverine."

Harry burst into cackles, "Yeah! If Wolverine was gay, albino, and a super model that's what he'd look like! HAHA!"

"I vote we mingle!" Aro suddenly cried out enthusiastically, "I would _love _to get to know many of you! Especially Mr Vlad-emort!"

"It's Voldemort!" Lucius hissed, "LORD Voldemort, you hippy freak!"

"Well, that's not very nice." Aro pouted.

Jane hissed in anger at Lucius, then looked at her master for approval, "Shall I hurt him for you?"

"Oh, Jane dear, it's quite alright…"

"No, she should, that man keeps disgracing you." Alec cut in, Jane nodding enthusiastically.

A few Death Eaters laughed at the possibility of little Jane 'hurting' Lucius. Harry's gang laughed but looked confused. He poked Hermione. "…Explanations?"

She pulled a face as she tried her best to explain it in a way the wizards would understand, "Jane has a peculiar power…it's like the Cruciatus Curse, she can inflict terrible pain. Except she doesn't use magic. it's…like…a mental force."

"These _people_ are a mental force…" Snape muttered.

"Bella can inflict terrible pain too!" Lucius countered snobbishly.

"You got that right," Jacob growled, "My heart is bruised…"

Edward nodded, "You should see my neck and di-"

"EDWARD!" Esme gasped.

"-they're full of hickeys and stubby scratches. You'd think I was dating a ferret."

Ron shook his head, "…That doesn't make a lick of sense."

Feeling humiliated, Lucius breathed deeply before speaking. "..I was talking about Bellatrix Lestrange."

Jacob frowned, "Who-?"

"Me!" Bellatrix shrieked in offence, "And do NOT compare me to that little twat!" she commanded with a point at Jane.

Jane's nostrils flared and she screeched back a string of vulgarities, beginning what nearly became a cat fight.

"Five Galleons on Bella." Fred whispered.

"Which one?" George whispered back.

"Which one do you think, Numbskull?"

"I'm not betting on the _clinger_!"

"I chose first-"

"Still no-"

"SHUT UP!" Ginny cried out.

Suddenly a soft mystical voice rose from the group of Light wizards. "I think Mr. Aro has a good idea, we should get to know one another." Luna Lovegood smiled. Hermione and Ginny smiled with her while the boys rolled their eyes at the suggestion.

Aro made a happy sound and clapped his hands. "Ah! Now that is a sensible young lady, let's mingle!"

Voldemort didn't know how it happened, but before he could comprehend it everyone was bloody fraternizing! The only ones who held back were his own people, the Death Eaters, who surrounded him when Aro pranced forward, then sulked as trudging away when Voldemort was hidden from view.

The Dark Lord leaned over to Snape who was next to him in the tight circle. "…What is happening?"

"It appears they are socializing…my Lord."

"_Socializing_?" he blurted out. He looked around in shock as everyone approached each other, either with malice or simple curiosity.

The red-head twins were hovering around Bella, asking her embarrassing questions. Seth and Aro ended up together trying to find a gap in the Death Eaters so they could get to Vlad-emort and Lady Gaga. Ginny was giggling, much to Ron's fury, and Dean's, with the wolves. Hermione was talking to Carlisle, while Luna was calling over the Death Eaters to a confused Draco on how to grow his hair so he could look like her. Lupin was speaking with Sam, while Sirius slipped off to find his god-son, who was being approached by Edward.

"…You're Harry Potter, right?"

Harry frowned, but nodded politely, "Yeah. You're Cullen."

Edward smiled his Bella-swooning crooked smile and gave a casual shrug, "You don't need to be so formal…I feel like I know you…"

"Oh…um…well that's probably because-"

"-when I look at you I see flashes of green-"

"That's probably when you were Avada Kedavra'ed-"

"-and you pulling me out of a hedge that tried to eat me…and also we caught this cup together-"

"Yes, because you're Ced-"

"Did I ever mention I have a thing for brunets?"

"…"

"And pale skin…"

"…"

"And short, petite-"

"What?" Harry finally recoiled physically, jerking away as Edward reached for him.

"Harry…you're like my own personal brand of heroin."

Harry let out a shocked squeak and bolted from his spot, leaving Edward looking confused.

Sirius made it to Edward just after Harry fled, and looked suspiciously at the sparkling man. "…Where is Harry?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"I happen to be his God-father!"

"…Oh."

While Edward tried to escape Sirius' fury, Greyback had approached Sam, who began growling along with Lupin.

"What do you want!" Sam spat.

"I came to sniff you all." Greyback answered honestly, sniffing the air, "I heard you were false werewolves."

"They are animagus's," Lupin muttered, "Like Wormtail, and Sirius."

Greyback stared at Lupin, then grinned and winked an eye at him, "How you doing, Luppy? Got any puppies since I last saw you?"

"NO!"

"Ooh, feisty. Just how I like them."

"Oh, screw you! Go piss on a tree or something!"

Greyback let out a bark of laughter as Lupin acted like a heartbroken girl. "You're moody. Is it _that_ time of the month again? Better not leak, there's _vampires _around-"

"ARGH! YOU ASS-"

Sam jumped between the two werewolves and glowered at them, somehow towering over them both, then looked down with intolerance at Greyback, "Keep your squabbles for later. Whether or not we are werewolves or shapeshifters makes no difference, threaten us and there will be trouble."

Greyback sighed heavily, in obvious mockery, and gave a shrug, "Fine…I'll call a truce. If you give me the little wolf-"

"HOLD ME BACK! HOLD ME-I'LL KILL YOU! HOLD ME BACK!" Sam bellowed as he lunged for Greyback, his clan grabbing onto his arms to hold him back. Lupin rolled his eyes in exasperation…

"So…Bella…" Fred began with a mischievous grin.

"…Is it true that you love Edward?" George finished, equally as amused.

Bella shifted between them, looking around for her true love, but answered softly, "Yes, of course. Irrevocably "

"Then you must know his weakness, right? Or at least his pet peeve."

"Um…"

"Come on…" George egged her on playfully, "Stealing his hair-gel would be boring, we need something real funny!"

Bella looked between them with a blank expression, then looked down and twiddled her fingers, "…I-I don't know what funny is…"

Fred and George deadpanned, then nodded in sync, "Obviously…"

Bella bit her lip in thought, then looked up with a crooked smile, one she stole from Edward, "I got it!"

"You do?" Fred asked sceptically. George was more accommodating, "Yeah? Then let's hear it!"

"His weakness is if you cut his hair off, then he'll lose his power!"

"…"

"…"

Bella shrank under the stared of the twins, "…what?"

"Isn't that the Samson story from the Bible…?"

"…No, I'm pretty sure it's Edward's."

After shooing Edward off, Sirius wandered through the small groups in search of Harry-only to bump into Jacob.

"Watch it!" Sirius grunted as he hopped on one foot, Jacob having stood on the other. The latter male pulled a face, "Well, maybe you should get some glasses, _old man_."

Sirius did a double-take, halting his hopping at once. "What did you say?"

"You heard me," Jacob taunted, flexing his boobs. Sirius grimaced and leaned away, standing up straight.

"I'll have you know that **I** am the real _Black_. YOU are a cheap imitation."

Jacob's brow shot up with a growl, "Says who?"

"The fact that I was around first!"

"Was not!"

"WAS TOO-! YOU stole MY surname! MY canine abilities AND MY MOTORBIKE! Have you no shame? You're a complete embarrassment! Have you no dignity!"

At this, Jacob was gob smacked. He had no come back, except for a soft mumble of, "…we have all that in common?"

Sirius rolled his eyes, then pointed, "And the long hair? Please, pup, I was around long before you. If you admire me enough to copy me, fine, but do not think you are _better_ then me, because original is ALWAYS better."

Jacob shut his mouth.

"Dad? Can I go out?" Draco asked his father.

"What? Are you out of your mind? No!"

"I am not a baby! I can handle myself!"

"It is safer in here!"

"I want to speak with someone!" Draco insisted. Lucius followed his intense gaze, and was surprised to see it land on Rosalie.

"…The blonde?"

Draco grinned, "Yes,"

Mr. Malfoy sighed, but nodded and ordered the Death Eaters to let him out. If his son was eyeing a potential wife, at least she was blonde; Hilter would be proud.

Draco sneaked over to where the blonde stood sulkily in a corner, glowering at anyone who came near. He ignored the glares and stepped up to her, smiling regally.

"What do you want?" she spat.

Draco's confidence slipped somewhat. "…I would like to be your company."

"Do I look like I need company?"

"…No, I am merely suggesting-"

"I don't date _boys_, I date men. So back off." She hissed and stormed away. Draco didn't even get a chance to apologize or retaliate, standing with his mouth open like a goldfish. Before he could move, he felt a breath on his neck, followed by a low voice.

"…_I_ don't mind cradle-snatching."

The young Malfoy jumped and swirled around, getting a face full of the burly sparkler who just happened to be named Emmet. He stepped back and gulped, feeling intimidated by the large muscular man.

Emmet grinned, "I knew you'd come find me."

Draco's mouth popped open, his face whitening, "I-I didn't come here for you!"

"They all say that,"

"EW!"

"…I have a thing for blondes-"

"DAAAAAD-!"

With Carlisle, Hermione was trying to figure out just…what the bloody hell the Cullen's and the Volturi were! There discussion had caused quite an audience by now, even Voldemort was peeking over the Death Eaters shoulders to hear their discussion.

"I'm sorry, Mr Cullen, but you are **not** vampires." Hermione insisted. "I have done all my research!"

"I'm afraid you are mistaken," Carlisle smiled patiently, "-we _are_ vampires."

"Codswallop." Ron shook his head.

"We are," Alice insisted, "I think…"

"You aren't!" Leah insisted with a glare to Alice, "I've seen enough movies to know that vampires don't sparkle!"

"Well, you aren't even a real werewolf!" Alice shot back.

Leah scoffed and raised her hands, "Do I look worried? I hate being _whatever_ I am."

"Don't hate yourself," Luna chided caringly, "We are all made just how we are supposed to be made."

A few people glanced at Bella who was sprinting around in search of Edward, tripping every five steps on fresh-air. Ron made a face, "Whoever created _that_ must have been completely barmy."

"We drink blood, we are vampires." Carlisle pointed out. Again.

Hermione held in a sigh of frustration, and forced herself to smile, "…Yes…you have said that…but-"

"Why dontcha just cut to the chase?" Paul, one of the wolf-shifters, grunted at Hermione, then snarled at Carlisle, "Listen here you pale parasite, you are not vampires. You are blood-drinking fairies!"

Ron leaned to Hermione, "Do those exist?"

"Possibly," Luna nodded.

"Vampires burn up in sunlight," Ron pointed out. Carlisle kept his 'knowing' expression and shrugged indifferently. Ron shook his head slowly, "…"

Then suddenly Harry popped up, looking at Hermione and Ron, "What did I miss?"

"Please explain to this man that he is **not** a vampire." Hermione sighed.

Harry looked at Carlisle, then blinked up at him, "…Doesn't he know it?"

"No," Ron groaned, "Apparently not."

Harry frowned at his friend, then looked at Carlisle with a questioning expression, "…Do you know a lady called Buffy?"

Carlisle pouted in thought, "…No."

"How about Blade?"

"…No."

"Oh, well I'll be sure to give them a call, they'll be able to tell us for sure."

"Why? Are they…specialists of some sort?"

Harry grinned, "You could say that."

"You know, why don't you guys have vampires in _your_ show?" Leah asked as she turned to Harry. "I mean, as much as I hate them, vampires are the craze, how did you get so popular without them?"

"How did _your_ show get so popular without them?" Ron shot back.

"We have vampires," Carlisle sighed.

"You don't count!" Ron growled, "For Merlin's sake! You are not vampires! Any git could go around drinking blood and wearing glitter!"

Carlisle gave a sigh and glanced at his feet, rocking back and forth on them, humming with a patronizing tone. "…I suppose I cannot sway your views. It is complicated."

"No, no," Harry cut in, "_Professor Snape_ is complicated. His bloody life-story is more complicated than your entire saga! Honestly, he's got more twists and turns than all the weird sexual hints in your story!"

"Sexual hints?" the pale 'vampire' questioned innocently.

Harry grimaced, catching even more attention from the on-lookers. "Don't play dumb. You yourself are a culprit! You only bite and turn teenagers into sparkly thingies!" Their audience gave combined responses, cringes to shivers to grins. Hermione's face turned into on of recognition, "I never thought of that before!"

"Actually Esme was an adult," Carlisle mumbled, feeling intimidated by the subject and amount of viewers.

Harry was not put off. He pulled his lips in a way that said 'I'm not buying it'. "But still, predominantly you went after teenagers! Then there is Edward, he's an old bugger who watches a young girl sleep! Just because he doesn't have wrinkles and age spots shouldn't make you forget he is bloody old-! it's like dating Professor Dumbledore!"

The watchers all grimaced at the images, a few unfortunately picturing Edwards face on Dumbledore's body, white hair included, and glanced around in search for said man whose ears were probably burning. Carlisle himself grimaced.

Neville, who was standing behind Ron spoke up after recovering from mental images, "Where is Professor Dumbledore anyway?"

Harry gave his attention to Mr. Longbottom. "I think he's hunting horcruxes. He said there is one he can't find, it's bugging him. He won't tell me what it is though."

"Does he ever?" Fred suddenly added as he and his twin joined in the group.

George threw a goofy look around, "Yeah, the only time he does is when he is in a life-or-death situation."

"I do like to know though." Harry sighed.

"You know…I reckon I know what Voldemort's next horcrux is." Fred hummed, George pouting and raising a brow at him, "Do you?"

"You do?" Hermione asked sceptically.

"Yeah! I reckon Voldemort turned his nose into a horcrux!"

Everyone's eyes bulged, a few bursting into laughter while others gaped widely. Ron and George were almost depicting the term ROTLF, while Hermione fought to keep her mind rational. She fought the smile of her face and swallowed as she looked at the older Weasley.

"…You…His n-nose? As a _horcrux?_"

Fred shrugged and jabbed a finger over his shoulder to Voldemort's huddle, "Hello, have you _seen_ his nose lately? You'll never find it! The perfect horcrux!"

Hermione lost the battle with herself and ended up giggling behind her hand whist the rest cackled openly, Carlisle looking around blankly. Harry and Ron were falling over each other in their amusement, Leah cracking a smile and sniggering as she caught on and chose to laugh.

Back in the huddle, Voldemort was becoming increasingly irritable. He itched to blast away every bloody person in the darn room, then the Malfoy manner with it! This was nonsense! Ludicrous!

"Severus… _please…_" he swallowed thickly at the abnormal use of the word, "…I want these filthy barbarians OUT of this Manor, RIGHT NOW!"

Lucius and many others jumped at their master's livid shrieked, Snape merely biting his cheek in silent infuriation at being ordered around but nodded stiffly in response. Snape was one of the few that were indifferent to the Dark Lord's moods. With a sigh of self-pity Snape curtly pushed passed the ring of Death Eaters until he existed the protective gathering. Draco, looking ruffled and distraught, squirmed his way back into the circle through the gap Snape created, whimpering cowardly as he finally found safety once again.

If he had his way Snape would have waltz right out of the room, he couldn't care less about this palaver.

With elegant strides Snape reached the only singular group besides the Death Eaters' faction where everyone was gathered. He pushed his way through with a superior air and grace, his crooked nose poised intolerantly. Noises and glares of offence were shot at him, wands and claws alike twitching. Once he made it to his destination, he rolled his eyes at the racked Potter and Weasley were creating in their amusement, and tapped the brunet abruptly on the shoulder.

"The Dark Lord requests you all leave…now."

Harry, still crying in his laughter with Ron, misheard but straightened up to face his teacher, wiping away the tears with short chuckled of fizzling hilarity. "Pro-Professor…who-who's queasy now?"

"I said the Dark Lord wishes for you all to leave!" Snape snapped irritably, "I have other matters to deal with so please gather your babbling followers and vacate! I want to enjoy my Sunday."

"Sheesh, who do you think you are? Squidward?" Ron snorted once he overcame his own amusement. Harry burst into laughter once more, doubling over to continue his laughing fit. Snape stared blankly, controlling his urge to commit an unforgivable curse.

"MR. VOLDYSMORT! MR VOLDYSMORT-! OVER HERE!" Aro called as he stood on his tip toes to catch a glimpse of Voldemort. He really wanted to meet the man properly, he looked like he needed some serious TLC.

Seth pouted up at Aro, then looked back to the other group, pondering to which he should go to.

Voldemort frowned deeply, then gaped at the sound of his name being twisted and bellowed carelessly. His fists curled into tight balls as he seethed, glimpsing around the Death Eaters the idiot named 'Aro' bouncing with a greeting wave. He felt as if he would foam at the mouth, he should have fashioned himself some bloody fangs!

"YOOHOO! MR. VOLDEMINT!"

"ARGH-!"

"Mi-milord?" Lucius whispered as Voldemort let out an infuriated screech, then jumped backwards as the snake-like man stormed forward, physically shoving his followers out the way.

Seth blinked as the Death Eaters began stumbling to the left and right, creating a division which made way for the tall pale male. Who looked very angry. _Very_. Seth gulped and looked up to Aro who was smiling happily, obliviously.

"…Er…A-Aro, he doesn't look very happy."

"Oh, nonsense! All he needs is a hug!"

"I-I don't think-"

"Ah, Mr Vlademort! What a good sur-PRISE-! AAAH!"

"I'LL SHOW YOU A **HUG**!"

"H-hey-! What are you-? AH! NO! _NO_-! _IT BURNS_-! **NO**! AAH-!"

"YOU IMBECILIC PASTEY PIECE OF ORGE SHI-"

"AAAAAAH!"

"MASTER!"

"JANE! HELP ME-!"

For one not watching the scene, it was simple to imagine it. Aro got his wish of hugging Voldemort; at a price. Voldemort got to release his pent up frustration on the male, inflicting pain any way he could, whether it was by a Crucio Curse, a hefty punch or a gouge in the eye with his wand. He waved his Death Eaters off continuously, making a show out of his tussle with Aro. Their racket quickly attracted attention and soon everyone in the room had formed a wide circle, watching and cheering on the fight.

Jane and the rest of the Volturi went ballistic and panicked terribly, but they did not dare jump in. Jacob and his clan, as well as most of the wizards, were loosing tears and spittle in their torrent of laughter. Bella and Edward stood blankly, slightly indifferent to all the ruckus, Bella wondering if she should maybe sacrifice herself to save Aro while Edward debated if he should get a leash to keep Bella on to prevent her from wandering into harm's way.

Snape used the uproar to slip from the room, leaving Lucius as head Death Eater to handle the situation, resulting in white-blond hair patterning the floor. Draco wasn't doing so well himself, being stalked by Emmet and a wolf.

"Milord! Let us step in! Please!" Lucius begged, grabbing onto a squirming Wormtail by the scruff, ready to throw him in.

"HE'S MINE TO FINISH!"

"Hey! Don't insult me like that!" Harry barked as he watched Aro receive a pile-driver, "I fought way better than _that_!"

"I'LL GLADY SWOP PLACES!" Aro called frenetically as Voldemort caught him in a head-lock.

"Nah, Voldemort gets touchy-touchy…" Harry cringed and trailed off, remembering a few less-than-friendly gropes when in close proximity. Draco nodded in agreement to himself, standing as close as possible to his father who was tearing his hair out, watching his stalkers with alarm.

"Don't insult our lord!" Lucius hissed at Harry, his eyes blood-shot and watery. "He would _never_ find appeal in the likes of _you_!"

"Don't be jealous, Gaga." Ron snickered.

"MUST WE HELP YOU BROTHER?" Caius called as he watched from the side-lines, receiving a slap on the arm from his fellow Volturi Lord.

"OH NO. NOT AT ALL, I JUST LOVE BEING FORCED INTO PRETZEL SHAPES WHILE GETTING GOUGED IN THE SOFT SPOTS –_OF COURSE_! YOU BLITERING IDIOTS! HELP ME!"

"Well go on," Marcus urged Caius, shoving him forward.

"Like hell…" the blond hissed back, then shoved Alec forward, "Go on."

Alec made a sound of reluctance as he stumbled forward. He would use his powers, but there were more dangerous wands in the room than gifted sparklers; he didn't want to end up like Aro. So he jabbed Jane in the back, "Go help!"

Jane yelped as she tripped and stumbled forward, hissing her offence over her shoulder, then shrinking when she looked back to the tussle, wincing at the shape Aro was in. She was dedicated to her master…but…there was no way she was getting into that!

"BELLA!" she yelled, heads snapping her way, "-the only way to stop this is to offer yourself to the snake thing-!"

"THAT IS LORD VOLDEMORT YOU LITTLE GREMLIN! AND HE WOULD NOT FIND APPEAL IN HER EITHER!"

Fred rolled his eyes as Lucius sprouted a few metaphorical grey hairs, "Jeez, what do we look like do him, bananas? _Appeal_ this, and _appeal_ that…"

Bella, who had heard the high-pitched voice over the entire racket, placed a hand over her heart, nodding seriously as she started off into space. Edward sensed her change in stance and shook her gently; which meant she shook like an earthquake, hair and drool splashing all over.

"Bella? Bella? Don't you listen to her-!"

"Oh great," Jacob sighed, "She's gone martyr again."

"Bella!"

"Must…risk…life…for loved ones!" she chanted blankly before darting as fast as she could through the crowd, running in slow-mo for a few seconds before she continued. Edward panicked and ran after her, Jacob rolling his eyes and cursing them under his breath in the hopes that they tripped.

Which Bella did. Just before she broke through the crowd, her hair splashing and tangling in her face, she gasped as she tripped on Wormtail, falling flat on her face. Edward was a few second behind her, sighing in relief as he spotted her and pulled her up, hissing at the dirty fingers Wormtail was poking at her.

Jane was in a mixture of laughing herself sick at the scene and panicking for Aro who was trying his hand at playing dead.

"Must-risk-life-!"

"Oh, push off! Aro isn't even one of your 'loved ones!'"

"I wish **I** was," Jacob muttered sourly as Edward dragged Bella's twitching body off, Greyback and Wormtail crawling after them.

"What is so special about _her_?" Sirius asked sarcastically.

"Nothing. That's just it," Jacob shrugged, "She is so normal that she is special!"

"…Sure, sure-"

"NOW WHO IS COPING!"

"I GIVE UP! I SURRENDER!" Aro suddenly screamed, on the urge of tears as he grovelled on the shiny granite, a heavy weight atop him.

"You acknowledge I am the better Evil-Overlord?" Voldemort interrogated, growling as he pulled a few more strands out of the already balding head.

"YES! AH-! OW! YOU'RE BETTER! NOW LET GO!"

"You heard him, Voldy." Harry chuckled, "Thanks for winning the battle for us!"

"Who says we lost?" Seth pouted.

"Aro did."

"He isn't our leader," Sam snarled, "I could win against the snake."

"I highly doubt it," Harry dead-panned, "Either way, we win."

"That is so not fair," Alice growled.

"What's not fair is you guys hogging all the fangirls," Ron grumbled, yelping as Hermione pinched him.

Jacob raised a calm brow and held his hands up. "Hey, we can't help it if we're hot and you're not."

"I beg to differ," Draco sudden shot out, his appearance once again smooth. He ran a hand over his smooth blond hair and smirked, "I'm hot."

"So are we," the twins grinned.

"You don't even have to ask about me," Blaise Zabini added haughtily as he gestured to his body. The girls all giggled and winked at him, complaining when Emmet pushed past them to make kissing noises.

"There is no one more attractive than our Dark Lord." Lucius choked out, blush dusting his pale cheeks. A bunch of expressions of all emotions were cast his way, but he ignored them.

Harry and Ron shared a look that said 'WTF?', while Hermione rubbed her forehead at her suspicions.

Voldemort on the other hand was feeling quite smug. He released Aro, shoved him towards his sparkling freak-family and strutted back into the middle of the circle where he became the centre of attention. The room quietened as he paced in a small circle, his hand held up level with his chest as if he was ready to grab something-or someone.

"Thank you, Lucius…Now…if you would all kindly GET THE HELL OUT!"

"No need to shout!" Harry scowled, standing his ground at the death glare shot his way from the serpentine man.

Voldemort grit his teeth at the insolence, but he controlled his anger, and instead forced a smirk onto his face, "That's what I said to you last night, my _Whorecrux_."

"WHAT!" Harry balked, his face heating up faster than heated wax.

"HAHA!" was the collective response, everyone laughing in some form. Harry jabbed Ron roughly in his humiliation, glaring at everyone else.

"I don't get it," Carlisle pouted.

"And you're a doctor," Hermione shook her head, biting of a large grin for the sake of her friend.

The Dark Lord growled, and swirled around dramatically so his cloak billowed, with an expression of rage on his face, 'THAT'S IT! YOU ARE ALL GETTING HUGS!"

"AH!"

"NO!"

"HELL NO!"

"TIME TO GO!"

"BYE!"

In one minute flat the room was empty, save for the Death Eaters. Everyone had learnt from Voldemort's previous example and scrambled out before they had to endure it themselves. The room was silent, a few whispers of breathing but that was it. Voldemort smirked in satisfaction, feeling triumphant at emptying the room with mere words. He turned once again swiftly- only to trip on an obstacle beneath his cloak and stumble forward a few places.

The Death Eaters gasped in dread as they jumped to help steady the man, but gasped in horror as the cloak pulled over the obstacle to reveal the obstruction, that turned out to be-ARO?

Voldemort gaped, awestruck as Aro grinned sheepishly from his spot on the floor, flexing his fingers as a greeting. Everyone kept completely silent as they waited for orders, but Voldemort was shocked to the bone.

Lucius swallowed his confusion, and stepped forward for his master, twitching in his tension, and looked down with intolerance at the Volturi leader. "…What are you still doing here?"

"…I'm turned on by sadism and hair pulling-"

"KILL IT! KILL IT!"

**XxXxXxXx**

Tada~


End file.
